who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
