Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
