I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
