My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Randomize
