If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
