he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
