my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize
