I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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