I faked an abortion last night.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
