she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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