I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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