god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
