I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
