What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
