Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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