Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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