respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
