As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
