Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
