I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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