Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
