I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
