Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
