fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
What a dumb baby whore.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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