he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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