can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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