if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.