see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
