every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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