My friends, they love my intelligence
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
