Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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