Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
