Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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