i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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