Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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