I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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