i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
