Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
