True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
