today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
