My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
