cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.