Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.