I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
They took my balls.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
