just tell him i said nine months
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
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