one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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