i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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