I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
