Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
