Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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