Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
