What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
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I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
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If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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