sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
