well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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