3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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