Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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